“MasyaAllah Ummi, I think next time I don’t have to attend anymore religious classes or lectures lah Ummi, I can just learn from you!”

My mother let out a soft laugh as she began walking away from her stall, hands clutching her trusty small pail in preparation for her prayers. I watched as she strolled away and began to marvel at the MAGNIFICENCE of this woman that Allah has given me the blessings of being able to call my mother.

I have mentioned this to many of my close friends and I will mention it again, “I probably will not be who I am today, if not for my mother.”

This is not an entry marking Mothers’ Day, nor is it her birthday or mine or any other special day, but this entry is something that this heart yearns to pour out as it spills with love and respect for a woman who has gone through so much of my nonsense when I was jahil for the most of my life :’)

I sat myself back down on the stool at the corner of my mother’s stall, and the conversation we had earlier began to replay itself in my head,

“… so Ummi, the ustazah was telling us about how we mankind tend to think and worry too much about our rezqi, when Allah has already sworn to give us rezqi. The whole process of working is just part of sunnatullah, that is, it is in the natural order of things that Allah has created such that rezqi will come when one works for it.

However, what most of us fail to remember is that the work we do does not necessarily equate to rezqi from Allah, for Allah can give us rezqi in any way that He wants; it does not have to be from THAT particular work we do.

For example, when we have flu today, we go to the doctors and eat medicine A, we get better. But when we have the same illness next week, we go to the same doctors and eat medicine A again, we might not get better. It is only when we try medicine Z that we finally do get better. It is the same effort, the same way, the same cure, but we do not get the rezqi of health.

Why? Because it is Allah who decides how that rezqi comes to us! It is not us, nor our work… So we just have to make du’a to Him, and go to work, and insyaAllah rezqi will come to us in many ways and forms, insyaAllah…”

My mom smiled and began to stand up, reaching for her pail. When she was at the edge of the stall’s entrance, she hesitated for a second and then turned around to face me (hehe so drama la my mother),

“Why do you think I am still here, at this stall? I really don’t earn much at all, you know, and I spend so much time here. People have been telling me to close the stall and work elsewhere, or stay home since I don’t earn anyway. 

But just this afternoon, a couple of Indonesian maids came to buy some Qur’ans; they want to start reading in preparation for Ramadhan. And the other day, some other maids bought the prayer garments and some even bought the taharrah soap for when they have to handle the dogs belonging to their bosses. 

Yes, I know I don’t earn much here and I can probably earn more to support all of you by working elsewhere, but I am the only one in this area who sells these Islamic things; where else can these muslim maids who cannot go out of the area purchase them if this stall were to close?

I do this for Allah swt, and I trust that Allah swt will provide my family with the rezqi we need to live each day. He has not failed us so far, hasn’t He?”

MasyaAllah, masyaAllah, masyaAllah. What faith! :’)

If I were to list out the many incidents that made me in awe of my mother’s faith in Allah swt and her resilience as a wife, a mother and a woman, I would probably never be able to stop writing. 

But for now, all I can do is pray for forgiveness for the many moments I have made her cry and for all the countless times I have made her disappointed during my jahil days, and strive my best to be the best Muslimah I can, whose prayers will be accepted by Allah swt for when my mother returns to The One she loves…

Cik Habibah Terchenta, I can only pray that one day, I will be able to have an imaan as strong as yours, insyaAllah <3

P/s. Don’t worry about rezqi, for Allah has sworn that He will give it to us! ;D

Headphones besar melekat di telinga,
Tidak melambangkan yang aku ni minah tudung rocker,
Kerana yang aku dengar qur’an, qasidah ataupun lecture-lecture,
Haaa… tu dia, sila jangan judge a book by its cover ;)

Terima Kaseeeeeeeeey~~~

P/s. That image is not me :) Image source.

The weather was kind to us. The sun shone brightly as our hijabs danced a slow dance with a soft breeze that accompanied us the entire day. Laughter would erupt every few minutes from a group of children trying to dunk a man into a tub of water, or as an arrow intended for the bulls eye landed on the patch of grass behind it. Around me, people of all ages were busy buying and selling little knickknacks that lined the booths set up in front of the Al-Mawaddah mosque.

I began to tune out the surroundings of the huge tent as Ustaz Farid Ravi stepped on stage. With his usual flare and charisma, the dark-skinned ustaz with a neatly trimmed beard began to speak of the pillars of Islam to the crowd of middle-aged ladies, but what particularly attracted me was when he shared with us about his conversion:

“At eighteen when I finally could convert, I went back home and declared my religion to my Hindu family; none of them could accept it. Stubbornly holding on to my faith, I was thrown out of the house and so I went off, all alone, save for some of my belongings packed in a couple of bags.”

I started tearing the moment the words reached my ears. 

You see, it suddenly struck me that there must be hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, of people in this world who had converted to Islam and suffered much pain, physically and emotionally because of their want to search for the light.

From the days of the Prophet s.a.w., countless stories have been related to us of the trials that the companions had to go through in holding to to their imaan. For example, Bilal r.a. who persevered in saying “One! One!” even when he was pressed under a huge rock, the scorching heat of the desert sun in his eyes, as the people of Quraysh tried to get him to renounce Islam. 

As we fast forward to today, around the world as the number of Muslim conversions begin to rise, there must be throngs of new Muslims thrown out of homes, ostracised, just like Ustaz Farid Ravi. All alone in their new world, apart from the family who once loved them endlessly, it would have been so much easier for them to renounce Islam and just return home. Yet, they held on firmly to the rope of Allah.

You see, I cried, because if there are Muslims like them who are willing to give up even the ones closest to their hearts, their FAMILY, for Allah, who am I then with Allah compared to them? To think I used to think that giving up my relationship was that big a deal. Astaghfirullah…

Truly, I feel that most of us born-Muslims are too complacent with our deen; we take Islam for granted. In fact, we take Allah for granted!

A man who has been given sight since he was born would never truly appreciate seeing, or his eyes for the matter, while the blind man who was suddenly given a pair of eyes would guard his new found senses with his life and truly appreciate being able to just SEE. And as for the first man, it is only when his sight is taken away from him would he then be anguished over its disappearance. 

Really, how many of us actually do place Allah above all? When we say “Iyyaka na’budu wa iyyaka nasta’een”, that is “only You we worship and only You do we seek help from”, in our Al-Fatihah, do our actions truly reflect the words that carelessly spill from our tongue?

When we have food on the table, do we thank Allah for the rezqi He has given us? When we dress to impress, who really are we trying to impress? When we moan when asked for donations to build the house of Allah, and happily swipe thousands off the card of riba’ to purchase our next swanky bike or handbag, have we even for a split second thought of the rights of that rezqi the Ar-Razzaq has given us? Or when the Qur’an is left to become a decoration on the table as we find ourselves too busy to read it, can we then even deserve to be called Muslims when we have turned away from the words of Allah?

When was the last time we have actually sacrificed something we love with abounding love, in our want to gain Allah’s love?

Allahu…

We born-Muslims, many of us, we have failed to find this burning desire to reach for Him; we pray our five prayers, we fast during Ramadhan, we pay our zakat and we go for hajj when we have the money, and we feel that this is enough, that we are already good Muslims. 

Although I cannot deny that yes, those basics are enough, but why do want to settle for ‘enough’ when it comes to attaining Allah’s love? We never settle for ‘enough’ in matters of the dunya; we want a bigger house, a bigger car, a higher education, a fatter pocket, but why does this want of BIGGER and BETTER fail to materialise itself in matters of the deen? 

We do the bare minimum, we settle for enough, and we assume that because we are born Muslims and surrounded by Muslims, we will eventually die as Muslims. But what if we become that first man who gets his sight taken away from him? Naudhubillah…

We born-Muslims, we need to learn the art of syukr from the converts like Ustaz Farid Ravi. We need to learn to be thankful to Him for having chosen us to be Muslims, and we need to find that passionate love for Allah swt and the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. in us so that our hearts can be cleansed from the hubb ad-dunya. We need to remind ourselves again and again, that Islam is not a given, but a privilege that may be taken away from us at any time. 

Islam needs to be like the air we breathe; it needs to course through our blood, from the tip of our (covered) hair, to the tip of our toes. Every new breath brings a reinvigorating freshness, an awakening for our entire body, to the extent that if for a split-second we realize that Islam is missing in our thoughts and emotions, we struggle to breathe and we seek desperately for that air.

You see, my sisters and brothers who are blessed to be born into Islam, we need to realize that Islam in not just something that we have in our life, nor is it just something that we have to live by… but we need to realize, just like the converts have realized in their search for the light, Islam is something that we live for.

InsyaAllah…

Dear Singaporean Tumblrs :)

I am helping to sell the Nablus soap, a 100% organic soap made in Palestine. The Nablus soap has a rich history going all the way back to the 10th century due its quality that surpassed that of other cities of Palestine, to the extent that even the Crusaders brought its manufacturing process to Europe!

However, due to the influx of capitalism and of course, the Israeli occupation, only 2 of its factories are still standing. So… 

Please head over to this website to make your choice and e-mail me at f.nuralanur@gmail.com OR fadhilah.wahid@gmail.com to make your order, at SGD 8.00/bar, payment on delivery. As the soap is organic, it can be used from head to toe, depending on your preference :)

InsyaAllah I will be returning to Singapore on the 02/07/11, and I will be able to deliver the soap to you (meet-up), insyaAllah.

Please spread the word! May Allah bless all of you :)

P/s. Please include Full Name, Nearest MRT station and Phone Number in your order :)

I cannot deny, there are times when I would get itchy-handed and take a sneak peak at the ex’s facebook page, out of mere curiosity more than anything else. It has been approximately two years since we broke up, but still the heart is such that I still feel little shots of pain when seeing images of him and his current partner, accompanied with captions like, “Me and my hot girlfriend.”

It’s not that I still have feelings for him, God no, but sometimes when you have spent so much time with someone, the imprints are harder to remove (and that’s one of the reasons why Islam forbids relationships before marriage.. but that’s a story for another day). But the difference between who I was months ago and who I am now, is that I don’t dwell on it anymore like I used to… Instead, I renew my niyyah.

Instead of looking at his ‘hot girlfriend’ and feeling hurt/angry etc, I take a step back, remember Allah, and remember that I am here, right now, because I have made the choice to protect myself from His heat in the hereafter. I recall my niyyah, and I sweep my thoughts with the broom of ‘la’.

The sufis use the broom of ‘la’, of no, to sweep out these things from the heart. If you allow room in your heart for sorrow, laziness and deceit, they will eventually take over your life, and it will be more difficult to find joy, happiness and bliss.

So we attempt to clean our house from everything that is not Allah. With this broom of la, this broom of no. The broom of not giving in to our desires and lusts. The broom of the moment of knowing that something is not good for us, to say no. To be protected by the cloak of faith, a robe woven by the names and attributes of Allah swt. [Shems Friedlander]

The broom of ‘la’, how beautiful :)

It’s not just about getting over someone, it’s more, much more. It’s about throwing off the covers at 5am and battling the ghosts in your head whilst walking to the toilet to take wudhu’. It’s about clamping your mouth shut as someone eggs you on to spill a gossip. It’s about prying your eyes away from the television screen when the call from your mother rings through the house. It’s about forcing yourself to sit, and read, instead of painting the town red. It’s about getting up for another round of sunnah prayers after your fardh… and the list goes on.

Many times in life we find ourselves in the middle of a crossroad, and more often than not, one path leads to attaining His affection, whilst the other brings us away from Him. But as the forgetful insaan, we forget our niyyah, and we choose the latter way, the easy way. Because we are lazy like that.

But from today onwards, insyaAllah with this new insight, you and I, we need to know that we do have the power to change things (biiznillah). We will remember Allah, seek His forgiveness, recall our objective in being born into this world, and we will bring out our broom of ‘la’ every time such negative thoughts creep into our head and heart.

We will leave no room for dust and grime to settle; we will sweep and sweep and continue sweeping the surface of our heart, until it glitters and shines and is able to reflect the noor of Allah. Only then, and only then, will we be able to understand and feel the serenity, the peace, the happiness, the contentment of the people of taqwa.

With the broom of La, we will start cleaning the mess that is our hearts today, one speck of dust at a time, InsyaAllah :)

So… this marks the last entry on Fingularity, insyaAllah.

Thing is, I’m the kind of writer who moves from one space to another as I close and open new chapters of my life and now, as I stand on the edge of a cliff and watch the vast open spaces that were veiled from me once before, all I want to do is make that leap and leave all that I was.

Jazakallah khayr to everyone who have diligently been reading my pitiful attempts at sharing my thoughts, experiences and ‘ilm, and I seek your forgiveness should any of what I have written upset you, or should there be any shortcomings in my words - All good is from Allah swt, and the mistakes mine.

A thousand syukrans to you who have taken so much time e-mailing me to motivate me when I needed an injection to my imaan, or to simply share your experiences. I sincerely apologize for not being able to reply some of the e-mails where words seem to fail me and all I can do is thank Him for His guidance. 

And last of all, if I may ask a favour, as you read this last entry of mine, please make du’a for me that He accepts all my ibadah, and places me amongst the righteous, insyaallah…

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, and peace and blessings be upon our Master Muhammad the Messenger of Allah, and upon his family, his companions and those who follow in their footsteps. Ameen, Ameen, Ya Robb.

May we find each other again amongst the people of taqwa, insyaAllah. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu :)

[A transcript of an advice given by Dr M. Zainiy Uthman]

Welcome to the life of a student! You are about to learn something that some people have concluded wrongly and the path of learning is to find that out. You must get rid of this attitude or this idea that somebody must tell me the right thing, no no no no, nobody’s gonna tell you the right thing! A teacher will show you the right path and sometimes the right path is also telling you, “That is the wrong path!”. So your task is actually to uncover new knowledge, this is the task.

In IIUM, I am not saying that it’s the wrong place. This is the problem that we’re facing today. We Muslims, our academics, many of us are basically amateurish Muslims. Many of our lecturers, in IIUM, UKM, UM, all of us, are amateur Muslims. You know, we love Islam, but do we know Islam?

No.

You know it now. Am I right?

So these classes are not to contradict IIUM, it is to complement IIUM! You know its shortcomings. Your parents have shortcomings, you don’t say “Dad, I’m not happy with you. You’re not a good father because your knowledge of the Qur’an is half-full.” You live with it, right? So you live with IIUM as we live with UKM, as we live with..

You know, when I was studying in America, I was not happy because I don’t have what you have. You have Islamic Worldview, you have Islamic Revealed Knowledge, Islam knowledge and Civilization, you have Ethics in IIU. I did this on my own. I learn Arabic on my own, read Al-Attas on my own, discovering dictionaries, trying to make sense of the difficult words this man is saying.

So, welcome to the world of learning and scholarship. Get rid of this spoon-fed or you know, “Give me something” [attitude], no no no no… You have to learn. And know where things are lacking - that is the path of learning.

…

In order for you to become knowledgeable, you must really know what WISE is talking about, and we cannot give you everything, it’s all about your individual effort later on. How many of you would then be willing to study the Arabic Language and go deeper into it and really connect things?

People ask me, I say “Look I learn Arabic for 10 years and all of that in America, never here, never in Middle East… I’ve not been to Middle East to learn Arabic, I’ve been to Middle East to do something else but not to learn. I’m not a graduate of any Madrasah or anything like that. I’m just a simple Malay student who graduated from High School then went to the US to study Physics and Astronomy. But I picked up Arabic, met Al-Attas, read his words…”

So, in other words, what you learn in universities, is not going to make who you are, right, it is this thing, people that you associate with. So, that’s why, I’m glad that you came, and perhaps many more will come, and do not think that the university is the only place to learn. Likewise, I read on my own, met Fazlur Rahman on my own, met al-Attas on my own, eventually I studied with them, so… that’s how it is.

Sometimes, sometimes you’re given the knowledge, you can get at the right thing without even meeting the man or the person. Just like when we read great works of the past. That’s why Al-Attas always reminded us when we were students at the old ISTAC, he said, “When you read books of the great ‘ulama of the past, don’t look at them as books but think of it as if they are teaching you, in person.” So don’t be quick to condemn them, don’t be quick to judge them. But learn from them first. Then when you come to the age of maturity in learning and knowledge, then it is the time for you to disagree with them, but in a very informed and knowledgeable way.

IIUM is a very good place for people to know their differences, and I hope insyaAllah it’ll be come better… It will become better, eventually, InsyaAllah…