A year (and then some) after my very first entry on this tumblr of mine, today I have reached a milestone - my 1000th entry.

I remember when I departed from my previous blog to set up Fingularity, the person closest to me at that point of time got really upset over it as he knew, knowing me, that any change in my writing space meant that there was a huge change occurring within me.

It was even more apparent to him that something was brewing as he understood that my previous blog was my whole life, the most important possession I had under my name; besides it being my income earner, it was my identity and it defined me as much as I defined it.

I could not see it at that point of time, but I guess subconsciously in my want to seek the truth, the haq, I wanted to pry myself away from what/how I saw myself previously. I wanted to disassociate myself from my past actions, my past thoughts and mindsets. It was as if the creation of Fingularity symbolized the creation of a new me.

And so I began to write here.

Entry by entry I unravelled the jumbled thoughts in my head and the whispers in my heart. I sought solace in the comforting words of brothers and sisters in Islam in my battle against my old skin. I founds answers to the questions that have been sitting at the tip of my mind for so long.

In the virtual arms of sisters who cared and yet have never met me, I cried over broken relationships that have been willed by God and stumbled upon an opening leading towards the light from the dark recesses of my heart. And like broken pieces of glass scattered all over the floor, I began to piece myself back together in an attempt to make myself whole again.

Alhamdulillah on January 1st, 2010, the last piece of the broken glass was finally put back in its place with my wearing of the hijab. With that leap of faith which I have never, not once in my 22 years of life thought I’d be able to take, Fingularity began to grow together with me as I began to ‘grow’ as a Muslimah.

Fast forward to today, I still have many shortcomings as a Muslimah; like an Ustaz once said to me, a glass which was pieced back together can never be the same as a glass which has been kept in pristine conditions since day one. The hadith (or saying? I’m not sure) was right : that if you had tasted sin, it will be much harder to stop devouring that sin as compared to if you had avoided it in the first place.

There are days where I find myself beating myself up for taking steps behind for every step forward I take. There are days where I look at myself in the mirror and feel like giving up and just going back to the lifestyle I once lived. And the worse kind of days, are the days when I compare myself with the righteous and tell myself that I can never be as good as them due to all the things I have done and I find myself spiralling into a mess of self-doubt and hopelessness.

It is on these days that I open up Fingularity and scoff at myself for writing the things I write; What right do I have sharing all these knowledge with other people when I myself am not a good Muslimah? Who am I to answer these questions people write in when I myself am such a lowly creature in the eyes of Allah? Am I a hypocrite for passing on information that I myself have yet to master?

And when I was *this* close to deleting Fingularity (and my confidence that I can ever be a good Muslimah), I receive all these wonderful uplifting messages and reminders from all of you readers and I get reminded why in the first place I had created this tumblr - as a reminder to myself about the journey I am in, the person I want to be and the fierce determination I once had in my search for Allah swt.

For that, jazakAllah khayran my dear readers, for like 1000 entries ago, all of you have once again saved me from losing myself and my deen, and have pointed me back to the right path when I have almost lost my way again :’)

May Allah swt reward all of you for every du’a you have made for me, every encouragement and reminder you have given me, and for every knowledge that you have shared with me through your tumblrs. May He reward all of us for pushing for dawaah on the internet, and may He make all the knowledge we have learnt beneficial for us.

May He make the Ummah in the world today as close as this small Islamic tumblr community we have formed unknowingly and may all of understand that this here, this knowledge and deen sharing we have been doing that transcends all borders of space and time, this here is what it means to have sisters and brothers in Islam, Ameen.

1000 entries on Fingularity and yet the knowledge covered is lesser than a billionth of an atom compared to what Allah swt knows. So let us all keep sharing what we know and InsyaAllah practice as much as we can.

I am Nur Fadhilah and I am still learning to be a Muslimah :)
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakathu.