Learning to Let Go
The tarbiyah of Allah is indeed a humbling experience. For some the lessons are learnt within days or even minutes, but for me, the thick hijab of ego and self-denial that I put on prevented me from seeing the reality of events unfolding before my eyes. I could see the dunya that I had leeched on so strongly to slowly peeling away, but in all my arrogance, I tried to hold on strongly, pulling with all my might, fists clenched tight trying to fight against the inevitable.
I thought that if I did all the things I had planned in my head, the dunya would eventually give up and return to where it was - in my heart - and yet in the struggle that left me exhausted, drained, emotionless for the past three months, I forgot three things: Nothing is mine; Allah’s plans are always better than mine; and when He has set His plan in motion, no force between the heavens and the earth can change its direction - like an unstoppable hurricane tearing through a seaside village.
What happened perhaps is too personal a story to share, too raw still for the parties involved. Not writing it down would make this story incomplete, but writing it down would mean reopening a healing wound. And at the moment, all I want is for the wound to heal for the gaping hole that exists distracts me from doing the things I need to do as a student. Let the wound heal with patience and with prayer, with time and space… it will never be the same again, but I am confident that it will be better than how it is now, biiznillah.
What I can share though is this: that in every event that happens in our life is a lesson to be learnt, one that Allah swt has arranged for us so perfectly at the exact moments of our life that we are best equipped to learn it. This is the meaning of “la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus’aha” - that no soul is given more that what it can handle.
The problem with man, with me, is that we tend to focus on our problems and even small trivial issues, when zoomed in on, look big. Thousands drown in the waters because they panic and struggle in an effort to stay afloat, but what they don’t realize is that Allah swt has equipped man with an innate inability to float on water if he would just relax. Likewise, we tend to isolate events and drown ourselves in seeking solutions to allow ourselves to breathe again, when all we need to do, is to relax and leave it to the natural state of things to bring us up again to the open sky; all we need to do is to leave it to Allah.
Submission to Him is to be content with all that He wills, to not resist, to place great faith that He gives us situations that are cut out perfectly for us such that we would come out of it a better servant. He did not create the trees, the sea, the sky, the sun, the moon, the animals, everything on this earth in submission to us for play… He did not create US in vain. He did not create us to torture us with neverending tests, to give us sadness and darkness. No. He created us here to return to Him. What else can be said for Him who deposited all that man needed on earth to live before creating man himself? He would likewise, in His mercy, present situations in our life only when He knows that we are equipped to handle them!
Often when faced with problems, we forget that the life we have here in this dunya is but a place where we are educated and nurtured by Him to prepare us for the paradise that wait ahead; coal does not become diamonds without extreme pressure over time and how is it possible for a piece of coal to be presented alongside a gallery of sparkling, priceless diamonds?
The point is, do not fight against Allah’s will, for events that pains us, that break us, that cause us to shed tears upon tears on our sajdah, are the best kind of events as they bring us closer to Him. At every point of time in life when we start to think of ourselves as Robb, like when we start subconciously thinking that WE had been the cause of some good, that certain people and things belong to US, that WE are in charge and in control of our lives, HE will throw a spanner in our plans and cause everything to go haywire (at least in OUR point of view)… not because of His wrath, but because of His mercy and His want for us to be reminded that WE are but His… everything is but His… and it is only in this understanding and act of total submission that we will finally be with Him.
Allahuakbar. Ighfirli, ya Robb.
I am writing once again, and perhaps this is an indication of a heart that is slowly rediscovering peace, alhamdulillah. I can only offer my thanks and prayers for the friends He has sent to hold my hands throughout the past three months, who withstood my deafening silence, my awkward words and actions, who saw me at my worst and yet refused to judge me, doing nothing but serve words of encouragement and of remembrance. Thank you for the many wet shoulders in the late nights, for the long conversations and smses, for being my mirror and letting me see who I really am. I pray that Allah swt rewards your sincerity in being friends with me with nothing but Jannah. Thank you for teaching me what ukhuwah really means.
One day I might forget this again but when I do, please remind me just like a friend did last night as the rain poured down in torrents over our heads, “Faddy, I guess you need to remember that nothing belongs to us, everything belongs to Him. Innalillahi wa innailaihirajiuun.” From Him we come and to Him we return. This is the objective of our lives - my life and yours… to return to Him in the best of states - diamonds emerging fresh from the tarbiyyah process.
All good is from Allah, and may He forgive me for the countless mistakes I’ve committed.
The soul still seeking peace.
Nur Fadhilah Wahid.
“Allah will never deprive a servant of something if that servant responds to it with resignation and patience. Allah will give him better than that He deprived it from.” [Umar ibn Abd al-Aziz]
