The beeping and vibration from the desk pierced the silence of the night. I stole a quick look to the page number of the book in my hands, placed it on my side, and reached out for the phone.

“Abdullah Rayyan* is calling on Viber.”

My heart skipped a beat as my palm clenched the phone tight. The phone continued vibrating with my thumb hovering over the call button; my mind was racing, weighing the pros and cons, and finally as I held my breath, I greeted, “Assalamualaikum.”

He was caught by surprise; it was obvious from the tone of his voice. For months he has been trying to ask me out but was greeted with silence on my end due to my commitment to not date or contact any men prior to marriage - the calls and messages sent to me were countless, but the respond? Lukewarm.

“Waalaikumusalaam… Fadhilah?” He stuttered, caught of guard at the sound of my voice. I let out a silent laugh, “Yes, it’s me.” I could hear him smile from the other end, happy that I was finally responding to his approaches. From there, our conversation continued till late into the night. We laughed over stories, got to know one another, and honestly, I felt happy…

But at what costs? 

As I returned the phone to its rightful place, a small voice began to pull at the strings of my conscience. What right did I have to talk to him, just because I was feeling lonely? What right did I have just because everyone around is getting attached, engaged or even married and I felt like I was slowly losing all my friends one by one? What right did I have to break two years of my promise to myself just because I wanted someone to talk to and I was starting to feel left behind in the game?

I wasn’t feeling so happy then after I knew what I did was wrong. And I’m still not feeling happy now. I finally understood what it was meant that the happiness attained in the dunya is temporary, while the happiness attained in the hereafter is eternal. That few hours with him was happiness, but it was not lasting… as soon as the dial tone died, I was still feeling as I was prior, perhaps even worse, and I knew to feel the same happiness I would have to speak to him again.

I wanted to, my nafs wanted to, but instead, I decided to reach out for the Qur’an, making du’a that He counsel me as the situation I was in.

Alhamdulillah, He reminded me,

“… And [always] O you believers - all of you - turn unto God in repentance, so that you may attain to a happy state!” [Qur’an 24:31]

Happiness lies with Allah, Fadhilah. Happiness lies in the peace that one’s soul feels in doing what is right and leaving what is wrong in His eyes. Happiness is something that only Allah can place in our hearts, so unto Him should you seek happiness with. As Allah swt has reminded you a few verses later, do not care what others are doing or what they are saying, what matters is what you have between you and Him.

This is a promise that Allah has made to you, and Allah’s promises are true :) La tahzan, innallah ma’as sabireen <3

*not real name.